homesteader

i've made my migration back eastward. being back in the mid-south, i'm finding that things are simultaneously familiar and new, which is actually quite a nice experience. we've been busy trying to build this apartment (with amazing potential but not devoid of some rough patches) into a home. i dare say we've made good progress. the next step is to get out of the house and make this city a home, too.

i had a lovely adventure driving out here with bf zerd. on day 1, we enjoyed all of the stimulating conversation we hadn't had time for in months before being accosted by a near-biblical downpour of mosquitoes against the windshield. on day 2, we were the accidental patriots, celebrating independence day at mt. rushmore by belting out the "ultimate american sing-along" with the 43rd army band from nebraska. on day 3, we tried to wrap our brains around what life must have been like for a homesteader as we visited wall drug, the badlands and a homestead with its original sod house (and believe me, the coughing mannequin with his pants down in the out-house was even creepier than the guy sitting out front). on day 4, i dropped zerd at what was once the place she called home, and i finally made it to the place i would make into my new home.

coat hangers

kudos to waldo l. fielding, m.d., for writing this essay for the ny times (click here to read).

i believe that women, as humans, have the right to control what goes into and comes out of our own bodies. please let us keep the right to have safe medical care among our options as we make our choices about what goes on inside the boundaries of our own flesh.

work instead of play

i've previously posted about the "stuff white people like" blog. it's useful in that is lets us look at ourselves with humor. it's a great door opener for white people to talk about race.

however, it doesn't really address issues of race and the way race works in our society (and i'm talking local, national, and global society), and it certainly doesn't force us to do the dirty work of really facing our own racism and the ways in which those of us who are white benefit from institutional racism.

this blog attempts to do just that: http://stuffwhitepeopledo.blogspot.com/

the white elephant in the room

portland is, by far, the whitest place i've ever lived. for such a "liberal" and "progressive" city, there is a really weird history of racial segregation here (as i was reminded by this article)...and a really weird collective ignoring of the messed-up ways race relations continue to work in this city.

i'll admit it: the overwhelming whiteness of city, and of my social circle herein, has been incredibly comfortable. race somehow becomes theoretical...or even invisible...when you're surrounded by people who look like you (in the bars, in the stores, on the tv, in the movies) -- and when the people who look like you just happen the be the ones who control most of the capital. (oh, but it's so much more complicated than just capital, isn't it?)

sure, i want my friends to be able to purchase affordable houses. sure, i hang out on alberta and i live in the northeast. but every once in a while, reality seeps in. the life that i and much of my social circle enjoy is dependent on the displacement of other people -- specifically, black people. (gosh, this application of black/white labeling to humans seems so absurd, and yet it is a social reality.) whether i want to admit it or not, the things i enjoy about northeast portland are inextricably linked to gentrification's whitewashing effects.

how do we, as white people, learn to see the selfishness inherent in our everyday actions? how do we come to break the learned selfishness and decide that the greater good is more important than our personal comfort, benefit and advantage? (ditto for sexism, my man-friends and heterosexism, my hetero-friends.)

it's some dirty, nasty, hard work trying to unravel the gnarly social stupidity we've been taught and upon which all of our social institutions are built. but it's good work. it's the right work. so let's get to work.

contained chaos

the seam in the time-space continuum has sealed back up. no longer as i stuck in that magical yet unnerving state of duality. now there is only all the shit that must get done in two weeks time.

our home is exploding as we try to find space for all the things that are packed amidst the things that are not yet packed. soon the empty space will reappear between the boxes and newsprint and rolls of tape as we crate up our life for shipping.

work is exploding, too. i've inherited a behemoth study that the previous owners made impossibly complicated. ugh. more and more i'm trying to preach the gospel of kiss (which was taught to us by our seventh grade english teacher as: keep it simple, stupid.)

i feel like i'm in line for chaos at opryland (which, alas, has since been replaced by a huge shopping mall). chaos, the indoor roller coaster that was nashville's answer to space mountain, opened right after we moved to nashville. what i remember most is not the ride but the effectiveness of the wait. an hour spent inside with artificial air and nothing to look at but the black walls and the people around you, with the constant sound of multiple dissonant clocks ticking and a lady's voice periodically saying "hurry to the station...your time is running out..."

i keep hearing it as i'm packing, as i'm working, as i'm shitting...when i should be sleeping. tick tick tick. hurry. your time is running out.

i catch myself holding my breath as i go about my day. if you see me, remind me to breathe.

party politics

as the primary progresses, i am increasingly disappointed with the democratic party. i understand that we want to put a democrat in the white house. believe me, i want that too!

that said, i also want the people of this country, not some party-loyal elites, to determine who that democratic nominee will be. this may be unavoidable due to our "protect the ignorant masses from themselves" delegate structure which gives totally out-of-whack super-representation to a few elite party leaders (and don't even get me started on caucuses), but it's too late to restructure the system for this election. what really concerns me, and what can be resolved in the here and now, is the democratic party's disenfranchisement of nearly 1 in 10 americans -- simply because they live in michigan and florida.

it is abhorrent that the residents of michigan and florida who took the time to vote are having their votes thrown out because of decisions made by party leaders in those states to move up primaries against the will of the national party. i see no democracy in this kind of petty party politics in which the punishment for not playing by the rules results in the mass disenfranchisement of citizens.

i also want party leaders and the media to start reporting the results of this competition with some sense of statistical context. again, i understand that there can only be one winner, and i understand the implications of the math if we're dealing with delegate counts which exclude michigan and florida. however, the reality is that obama's lead over clinton is less than 10%. that's a pretty small margin, if you ask me, and surely is not a decisive lead. what i don't understand is the audacity it takes to ask someone who trailing by such a small margin to drop out of the race. politics are gnarly, unpredictable stuff, and an upset can't be entirely ruled out with such a small margin and so many variables. furthermore, i wouldn't want to be counted out or asked to quit something when i trailed by less than 10%. would you?

fourth dimension

what is it about springtime that always gives me this feeling of deja vu?  perhaps it is the awakening from winter's psychic hibernation and that moment when you look at yourself and say hey, don't i know you from somewhere?

amidst the warmer air and longer days, i get a distinct sense of time overlapping.  it's like i've been here before, and simultaneously like i haven't.  winter feels so...linear. (perhaps i'm mistaking static for linear?)  in springtime, however, i find it highly unlikely that time functions linearly.  i'm not talking about a spinning wheel either -- time is way too messy for such a simply-structured model.  i suspect that the answer lies in relativity rather than in absolutes.

in this moment (if such a thing exists outside my brain's perception of the concept), i am open to believing in parallel realities, multiple lives or multiple levels of consciousness.  or is my brain just regurgitating theories and books and movies?  in this day and age (again, whatever that means if time as we conceptualize it doesn't exist), is it even possible to have original thought?  sometimes i wonder if we aren't so programmed that even our rebellion is merely an acting out of what we've been taught to do.

i have this low-grade, continuous flutter of deja vu in my gut.  the sun and warm air feel familiar and feel right, but are they only noticeable due to the contrast with what preceded? either way, they are intoxicating and rouse desire to do something risky, but they are also making me nostalgic.  i continue, overwhelmed by mystery yet emboldened by possibility.

huh.  i guess this is what they call spring fever?

sassy is as sassy does

i can't help but smile everytime i see one of the robin's egg blue cabs with "sassy's cab" running across the side. one of these days i'll remember to take a picture of it. i think i'll post it next to my monitor to remind me about what's really important.

desperately seeking sense

oh, what a world, what a world.

how is it that corporations manage to have zero brains and zero heart yet audacity up the wazoo?

the big-business of agriculture in south america -- which exists so that we can enjoy produce out of season -- is poisoning us and poisoning the eco-systems and communities where said produce is grown. as if that weren't evil enough, it's detrimental, global impact reaches so far as poisoning the north american birds who winter in south america. (read article here.)

in other "dear god, what kind of mess have we created" news, manufacturers of bio-diesel are making a "green" energy source but are dumping tons of by-product into the rivers. since the by-product is non-toxic to humans, someone apparently thought dumping it in the river would be okay. alas, it is literally suffocating the inhabitants of the river to death. reduce petro dependency, kill eco-systems -- is this really a "green" alternative? (read article here.)

how is it that we allow the import of produce grown with massive pesticide use that would be illegal in the u.s.? and how, in this day and age -- after looking at everything that has happened in this country, everything that is happening in china -- how can anyone think it is okay to dump ANYTHING into a river or lake or ocean...ever?

i blame people. corporations are amalgamations of people -- not some sort of autonomous entity. people in power are making irresponsible decisions. and other people in power profit from it, and their tacit support of the irresposibility makes them just as culpible.

what the fuck is wrong with people

(btw, read casimir's blog for additional education about the enviro- socio-global implications of food we eat -- and some yummy slow-food recipies.)

keeping my eye on the real issues

living in portland is feeling lately like living in a sea of optimistic, idealistic obama-supporters. their enthusiasm for his rhetoric can make a person second-guess herself. thank goodness that not everyone in the media is infatuated with obama or a clinton-hater (maureen dowd, i loved you, but we're over). more and more, i am finding paul krugman to be the voice of reason among all the demonization and idolization being thrown around.

let's talk policy. read paul's latest column.

i prefer a president who has progressive yet actionable policy plans, no matter how entrenched in politics-as-usual she might seem on the outside. many of clinton's policies are a return to the idea of a government responsible for taking care of its citizens (à la new deal policies) and in our present economic situation, that might not be such a bad thing. i find this to be a compelling position. re-tooling the system to serve a greater purpose is change, and i'd like to think it is at least somewhat realistic.

(and, yes, i secretly hope that a return to new-deal style government during economic gloominess might again lead to the creation of governmental support for arts outreach like the federal theatre project. art is critical to keeping us in touch with what is human, particularly when times get tight and, as a whole society, we start switching out of "thrive" mode into "survive" mode.)