it turns out that even those species that "mate for life" are apparently getting their groove on outside of the relationship. (read ny times article)perhaps it's time we set aside unrealistic expectations of complete monogamy. instead, i suggest we focus on figuring out how to have affairs without destroying our partnerships. that is perhaps the harder task, but it is the one which respects both our nature and our social bonds. a 100% commitment to the relationship and to your partner need not require a 100% dedication of your sexuality to that person.
6 comments:
While monogamy isn't completely natural, jealousy, another inherently human characteristic, plays an even larger role in our lives, I think. So, how can we straddle that line, then? Jealousy leads to much more consequence (anything from petty bickering to murder) than disregarding monogamy does. Isn't it better to just squash the feelings of foolin' 'round in lieu of the inevitable jealous tirade (which WILL happen at some point whether you think it will or not - most likely during an argument over who left the expensive cheese open to go off and moldy).
I think a certain amount of jealousy is natural. I think when faced with jealousy how someone processes their own jealousy can be very telling of the work we need to do with ourselves. Ask yourself why you are jealous and you may learn something about yourself. Instead of misdirecting jealousy outward, direct it inward and try to face it rather than use it as leverage. It isn't always easy, but our jealousy more often than not has nothing to do with the other person.
Definitely, but jealousy isn't something you ponder. It's reactionary and volatile which, to me, doesn't lend it self to self-reflection and meditation.
Jealousy is usually not a good thing, but sometimes it's a survival mechanism.
I can think about and suss out the finer points of my place in a relationship, but when it comes to what seems (that's the key word) like an attack, my normally sedate sense of logic walks its way through the out-door and it's emotion from then on, baby.
ah, but perhaps we're talking chicken and egg here. could jealousy be the result of compulsory monogamy?
i think jealousy is a catch all for the deeper issues that are really at play. is our jealously actually outrage at someone else getting that to which we thought we owned exclusive rights? is it an expression of our own insecurities? (and i have to say, if it is the latter, is it an act of "love" to clip our partner's wings in order to protect our own egos?)
it's a complicated issue (how's that for understatement) that brings to light all the cracks in the foundation of the relationship. so yeah, it's the easier road to ignore it and try to be monogamous. problem is that most people (and animals!) are trying but are not succeeding at it.
Yeah, I totally agree that jealousy is just an outward expression of our insecurities. The thing is, though, jealousy affects many other parts of our lives other than intimate relationships such as other parents who are more well off financially, or people at work who are in positions of power. Jealousy plays into that, as well.
In this respect, jealousy fulfills its role as the green monster. But, with respect to jealousy being a survival mechanism, I've seen people who've declared themselves "free from jealousy" get completely run over by their partners - simply because jealousy was declared "uncool" or "unproductive" in their relationship. The way I see it, a vulture knows its prey and can see the chink in their armor from a mile away. Sadly, it's also the nature of the human to take advantage of these openings.
As I see it, there is always a consistent percentage of the population prone to "cheating", as it were. There is also a percentage prone to monogamy. One large group survey conducted in the U.S. shows that 22 percent of men and 14 percent of women admitted to having sexual relations outside their marriage sometime in their past. This is not a majority, but it does show that infidelity is common. My view is that you can do nothing unnatural. What we already do is natural for our species. Marriage is universal among human societies, and so is sexual relations outside of the marriage. Many cultures have rules governing the sex lives of group members. Sexual rules are observed in chimpanzee and wolf cultures, as well, and my thinking is that the jealousy factor is not exclusively human, either. What about the conclusion that both monogamy AND infidelity are natural, as well as societal rules governing sexual conduct?
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